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TALKINGTODEADGUYS is the beginner's toolbox to the link personal growth and spiritual evolution. Pushing you to challenge yourself and teaching that spirituality isn't to be feared, but carefully understood – We believe that we can help you find your own path to uncovering the secrets behind each.
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talkingtodeadguys:

SHORT-ISH VERSION : 
I legit feel sorry for you if someone you know is ever abused because you’ll be like one of those people that’ll think that a woman being gang raped didn’t ‘happen’ because you wouldn’t think that it was possible that someone’s friends would straight up make them into a rag doll. 

Didn’t that happen? Hold up - 2 Days Ago : A 23-year-old girl was gang-raped by her male friend and two of his friends in a moving car before being dumped by the roadside near Nehru Place area of South Delhi (x)But I bet you two bucks that a week before this happened she was talking about how he was the nicest guy ever on Facebook. 

"So abusedd." Hashtag “#So_abusedd” on twitter for all of the people that are abused, raped, and beaten down in relationships because we didn’t see the warning signs or think that the abusers were capable. 
"You made a status that said that you were in love with him? I think you were making it up."
"But when we went out to dinner you guys were like…super lovey dovey? Do not get?"
"I don’t know what to think. It just seemed like they were so happy…Maybe they should have just gotten couples therapy? Couples always fight so…?"
But Kurt you performed with her and defended her after the Vanity Fair article and you thought she was the greatest person for you? You thought you had finally found your mate? Like, do not get?He was abused because there are incidents that were documented in the relationship that showed that it was abusive and it is reported from numerous sources from friends, family, first hand experiences, service workers, accountants, psychiatrists, personal assistants, exes, and previous Hole members that she is abusive and has abused many within her 50 years of living. Every single one of those incidents are going to be provided in links in the longer explanation.
For example - She assaulted him with objects, cheated on him, bragged that she’d make him cry, insult his gender fluidity, would emotionally manipulate him and would victimize herself (there are sources for this), pressured him to be the sort of person (she) wanted him to be, and she is quoted in multiple places thinking of him as an object instead of a person and the people around them noticed that she controlled him. 
But when people told him that she was abusive, he defended her because he was in denial that he was being abused because him admitting it to himself basically would have wrecked the entire foundation of who he is as a person. Would have made him become his mother that was abused by his father, make him feel emasculated as a male, and carry the guilt that he’d been fooled by someone that was pretending to love him. 
Imagine that sort of weight and imagine what it would make a person do. You’re backed against a wall and if you admit it you basically lose everything. She isolated him from his friends and made him think they were his enemies, made him hate his career, and gave him a daughter that he was afraid of perceiving him as a coward. So what did he do? He shot himself and felt guilty doing it every step of the way. You want to play games where you act like a person that domestically abused their own daughter, raped a Brazilian street walker, and purposely accused her ex husband’s friend of molesting her daughter aren’t traits of someone who’d abuse their own partner?Abusers can be violent in many cases, are also emotionally manipulative, and they’re going to make their abuse traceless where their victims have absolutely no idea that they’re being abused. If you combine all of these things, you have your answer. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - LONG VERSION : We can play this game but we need to be real for a second. If you are THIS ignorant of abuse, then we also have to help you understand how it works. On a human to human level, your ignorance is going to get you FUCKED up. Second of all, it is mind blowingly petty that you would invalidate abuse because the victim defended their abuser at the time. We ordinarily would have ignored this but because of the nature of this question we’re going to make this into a teaching tool. We don’t mind it if people don’t believe us. However, we want you to at least be educated on the psychology and patterns of abuse so you don’t end up letting an abuser screw you up or someone you know. Take what you want out of this, but below is going to be a demonstration of solid facts that can help you understand the nature of abuse and how Courtney herself is abusive if you were curious about the latter - As we’ve mentioned, she’s one of our primary models alongside myself, Christy’s ex, among others - 
No one understands the psychology of abuse because it’s insidious. Abusers will condition their victims to believe that nothing is wrong and will emotionally manipulate and confuse them to think that they’re wrong for accusing them of abuse to begin with. Kurt had no consciousness that he was being abused until near the end of his life. The problem with his situation is that it reflected the amount of denial that victims make themselves endure because they want to think that their abuse is just all in their heads. When Christy was being abused by her ex boyfriend (I watched it happen in front of my face), she wanted to think that him threatening to beat her was him being ‘volatile’ and that she was overreacting by thinking that it was wrong. When she was with this ex that lived with her she would always say the nicest things about him. To this day she finds old Livejournal posts, Tumblr posts, and diary entries chronicling the illusion she put herself in that she was happy. She thought she was happy whilst being hit for dropping glasses that’d ‘break’ his ‘concentration’ and yelling at her whenever she bothered or disturbed him. I was basically a fly on the wall within the relationship - If I didn’t see it, I heard it over Skype because we Skype 15 hours out of the day, every single day. When she reactivated her old phone recently she had a breakdown over the fact that a person that raped her, hit her, and abused her in EVERY kind of way had the audacity to call her an ‘angel’ in a text message. 
In retrospect, she thought that she was happy and if I had known that he was abusive as it was happening, she would have DEFENDED him and would not have been friends with me anymore because she would have prioritized him. What do you think makes this relationship different from Kurt and Courtney’s? I dare you to send at least several asks trying to explain how one situations was abusive while the other was not. Send an email. Get creative with me. 
If your best friend was being abused by their boyfriend, would you tell them that they weren’t being abused because they’d tell you that they were the loveliest person in the world after they were called worthless and screamed into submission in public?
If your father was being abused by your mother, would you tell your dad that he was imagining being threatened with a custody battle if he ever disagreed with her and being cheated on because he used to say that she was his goddess of a wife?
In comparison, everything with Kurt and Courtney essentially happened behind closed doors and you have every single one of his close friends, including her own family members mentioning that she has abusive qualities. Oddly enough, all of Christy’s exes previous partners mentioned that he was abusive, but she didn’t see it as a red flag at the time. How does all of this equate? Allow me to break it down for you - What kind of pattern do you see here? Let’s look at abusive nature in context : - - - - - - - - - - 
LEARNING THE CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS (x)
In order to understand abuse you have to see what the individual and combined characteristics of an abuser are. When you look at these characteristics including what sort of actions they LEAD to, you can understand why domestic abuse occurs. It can also help you understand why Kurt’s relationship with Courtney was abusive because he was, in fact, married to an abusive partner. We’re not going to include any channeled information in this because we want to show you that the facts have already been on the table and a few months of researching will give you cold, hard results. This is part teaching tool and part demonstration, using Courtney as said model - Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

Charming, Jealous, Manipulative, Controlling, A Victim, Narcissistic, Inconsistent, Critical, Disconnected, Hypersensitive (aka. Paranoid - Conspiracy oriented), Vicious and cruel, Insincerely Repentant (x)

Tendency to isolate victims, are violent, control partner’s lifestyles (x)Blame Shifting / Excusing Abuse Within The Eyes of the Abuser (x)————————
The abuser is hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted. He rants incessantly, treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and expresses negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled.Abusers often have a history of battering or violent offenses. They use vile language and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility.Abusers appear at first to be too eager. They push others to marry him, to conclude a partnership with him having dated or met only once or twice. (x)
————————
EXPERIENCES - LEARNING HOW TO SPOT ABUSE FROM SURVIVORS
MenWeb - Battered Men : Men’s Stories (x)First hand accounts of male survivors experiencing this characteristic from their female partners - Guess who these are representations of? + Insert context with links below(Find : I am currently sitting in a crisis recovery center) I was trapped. its all apart of the abuse cycle and I was so beaten down physically, emotionally, and my spirit and fire also. my wife was so possesive of me, and jealous of everyone I paid any attention to. including family, friends, and even my own two kids back home. she would go to extremes lengths to control my behavior. she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills one night because after blowing up irrationally over something so small, I went for a drive to let her cool down. she then sends me a text message saying “this is what you get for leaving me”. needless to say I myself started changing my own behaviors just to avoid an unavoidable conflict with her.(Find - I have had an experience with a woman that is something out of a horror movie) We always argued, yelling. She lied and manipulated. She was hyper sexual, needed very little sleep. She drank stronger things than I could handle as if it was nothing. She went through severe emotional swings. She could be very caring and loving and giving. She would blame me for everything and never take any responsibility. I refused to back down on my own part. And I responded to her verbal abuse with my own. And i had some unresolved issues from a recently ended relationship that I took into this one. I was always fighting against her trying to control me. She awoke me from sleep several times hitting me and screaming at me. I left several times, but she would stalk me and become apologetic and I would eventually give in, because she wanted me and I wanted her, I fell in love with her against my own better judgement. 
Meredith Vieira opens up about why she stayed in an abusive relationship (x)
Vice writer, Lauren Browne, talks about why she stayed (x)
See current tending Twitter hashtag : “#WhyIStayed”
NFL star’s wife denies domestic abuse and continues to defend husband (x)
Writer, Alison B. Hart, talks about her experiences of living with an abuser partner that is female (x)
———————————————
COURTNEY LOVE - EXAMPLES OF ABUSIVE TENDENCIES AND ABUSE IN ACTION
1992 - Courtney Love assaults and threatens writer Victoria Clark (1)June 1993 - A neighbor called the police to Kurt’s residence with Courtney and Courtney told the police over the phone that Kurt was attacking her. When the police showed up based on those two accounts she revealed that she had given herself self inflicted 8 inch marks on her arm. The police report also reveals that she was in no distress during the 911 call itself and directly implies that she had called the police for personal gain. See all 4 attached pages : (1)July 1995 - Courtney assaults Kathleen Hanna unprovoked and twists the story when numerous eye witness accounts (See : The Punk Singer) said that the assault was unprovoked (1) / Kathleen’s recollection of the event (2) / Fabricates story in a public forum (3) (2014)April 1998 - Courtney assaults journalist Belissa Cohen at fashion show, also unprovoked (1) (2) / Belissa’s firsthand account (3, 4) April 2004 - Courtney assaults associate of ex boyfriend, Kristin King (musician) with a deadly weapon (1) (2) (3) also unprovokedDecember 2009 - Frances emancipates herself from Courtney on the grounds of physical domestic abuse (1) and also twists the story to paint her own daughter as the abuser (2) and shames her for outing her abuse (3)
Courtney pushes Kurt to attempt suicide by jumping from a high rise balcony in Sao Paulo, Brazil (Everett True - Nirvana, The True Story, Page 445) (x)Kurt does heroin to get back at Courtney for talking about their private lives to the press (x)Evan Dando’s (Lemonheads front man) first hand account describing how Courtney would call him bragging about how she had made Kurt cry (x)Documentation of Courtney buying expensive objects with Kurt’s money in order to piss him off (Everett True - Page 466 - 467)Mark Arm’s former girlfriend and friend of Kurt (Carrie Montgomery) shares her experience of Courtney seeking her out and turning Kurt against her by projecting her manipulative habits onto Carrie and isolating Kurt from his friends even further (Everett True - Pages 354 - 355)Cali Dewitt (former nanny / friend) recalls Courtney’s abuse of Kurt on set of Heart Shaped Box (1), her tendency to yell at waitresses to demand them to acknowledge her ‘presence’ and fame (2) (Everett True)Billy Corgan exposes Courtney’s lying and manipulative habits (x)Courtney reveals that she lies in her back story (first version of many) (x)Everett True notes that ‘You Know You’re Right’ is a statement on Courtney (x)Linda Carroll (Courtney’s Mother) goes into detail about Courtney’s childhood that Courtney fabricates, including her lying and manipulation tracing back to her early childhood years - (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)* Linda Carroll’s accounts (condensed) - which also match up with the accounts of Courtney’s service workers, Frances, and so on (x)Buzz Osborne, Kurt’s long time friend, member of The Melvins, talks about Courtney’s overt lying tendencies + Courtney redirecting blame and accusing Buzz of trying to kill Kurt (x)Magazine Snippet (MOJO Mag) - Courtney shames Kurt for dressing feminine even though pretends as if she supports it in song lyrics (x)Frances’s first hand accounts of Courtney’s domestic abuse of her (x)Courtney abuses personal assistant, Jessica Labrie and refuses to pay her for services (x)Courtney casually opens up to committing fraud involving Dave Grohl and Nirvana expenses (x)Courtney throws object at Kurt during 1993 assault charge against Kurt and provokes him during the scuffle (x) (Note - Story changes from her saying that she cut herself on guitar string to her cuts being self inflicted during scuffle)Spin Magazine 1995 - Courtney admits to emotionally manipulating Kurt into not committing suicide by threatening him with her own death (Christy’s ex did the same thing the day he found out about Kurt’s relationship with her) (x)Courtney talks about her desire for power in envying former frenemy, Kat Bjelland of Babes In Toyland and wanting to be ‘desired’ (x)Melissa Rossi (Queen of Noise author) documents Courtney emotionally baiting Kurt’s insecurities by saying that she’s cheating on him (1) + * Courtney tries to manipulate Trent Reznor into dating her by claiming she was pregnant with his child (2nd or 3rd method she’s used with other lovers) (2) / (3) - and proceeded to chase him down for validation after Kurt’s death + Courtney’s obsessive Myspace rants about Trent that she makes when he doesn’t feed into her need for unneeded validation (4)** Melissa Rossi notices that Courtney emotes over ex, Rozz, even though she’s married to Kurt and finds her capacity to fake her emotions for attention disturbing (4, 5, 6)NME Interview 1995 - Madonna talks about how Courtney used to call her ‘slagging off her husband’ and displaying socially manipulative tactics to fool people into buying her image (x)Rozz opens up about Courtney’s borderline rape of him (through forced coercion) (1) and Courtney responds to it by saying she was only ‘hormonal’ (2)Courtney accuses Frances of assaulting her in the midst of Frances going public with her emancipation and counts of domestic abuse (x)* Courtney directly, over Twitter, insulting Frances for going public for abuse (more examples - Twitter account was confirmed to be Courtney) - (1) + accuses her of lying and that she’s ‘lost her position’ as a daughter (2) / (3) / ** More accusations of Frances lying about the abuse + emotional manipulation by playing the victim, ie ‘I miss you’ - (4) / (5)Former Hole drummer, Patty Schemel talks about Courtney’s self absorbed nature (x) + Their feud has also been well documented. Kim Gordon (Sonic Youth), talks about how Courtney was oddly jealous of Kurt because Frances was more attached to him when Courtney didn’t like to spend time with her (x) + Former nannies have mentioned in (Kurt & Courtney - 1998) that Kurt spent more time with Frances as double confirmation Eric Erlandson (former Hole member) tells Everett about how Courtney manipulated him and tried to deny their relationship for the sake of appearing ‘single’ for people, ie (Kurt) (x) + His prose and stylized “Letters To Kurt” loosely and in some cases, directly cites Courtney’s emotionally abusive tendenciesMary Lou Lord, (former friend and lover of Kurt’s) goes into detail about how Courtney would lie about her in the press, harass her, and find ways to discredit her involvement with Kurt through intimidation (1, 2, 3)Courtney casually admits to manipulating ex boyfriend with lying that she needed money when she was pregnant with his child when he didn’t want to give herself income (x)Barrett Jones (music producer) mentions that Courtney attempted to force Kurt to terminate his work relationship with Kurt because he suggested to her to not do drugs whilst pregnant + belittled him + recalls how Courtney isolated Kurt from his friendships (x) (Everybody Loves Our Town : An Oral History of Grunge - Mark Yarm)Hole fan account of Courtney’s tendency to switch her emotions on and off in order to gauge public reactions and sympathy - WARNING! (may cause headaches from bright red background - read with caution) (x)Nirvana fan account (Chris Tharp) of meeting Kurt and Courtney and noticing Courtney’s manipulative tendencies and subtle nuances of greater spousal abuse (x)Sao Paulo, Brazil (Friend + Fan accounts) - (Video since deleted - x). The account went as follows - when the band had some off time in the midst of touring, Kurt, Courtney and some friends they had made along the way in Brazil took some nights out on the town. There was an incident in which the group of them were driving around town late at night and spotted a street walker. Courtney decided to get out of the car and forced herself on them and molested them on the street but ‘paid’ them $300 to make it seem as if she had just paid for a sexual experience. The account also came from a friend of Kurt and Dave’s that Courtney had tried to start a fight with his girlfriend for no apparent reason. Courtney makes an alternative Twitter account and posts fabricated slanders regarding Dave Grohl molesting Frances (x)
(2002 Carrie Fisher Interview) - Refers to her male lovers and romantic partners in the same manner that misogynistic men talk about women as exploits they can manipulate (9:18 - 10:57) (x)
Former lover and friend of Courtney’s, Michael Hornburg, bases some his character in his novel “Bongwater” off of Courtney and many of her characteristics are out right manipulative and include her setting his bed on fire + many of her mannerisms and ways of speaking (x)- - - - - - - - - - - 
NOW, CAN YOU SPOT AN ABUSE VICTIM?  -
Put yourself in Kurt’s shoes for a second, what do you think he would have checked off according to this information? 
Abuse Checklists: (Previous link)
Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.
You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:
Feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
Feel you can’t live without him/her.
Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn’t like them.
Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to “rescue” him/her when he/she is troubled.
Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to “reform” him/her.
Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner’s behaviour when you are treated badly.
Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn’t agree with them.
Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don’t enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
We hope that after you and others read this that you can learn to identify abuse because it’s best revealed behind the scenes and in the nuances. This will also be the last time we will be answering a question in reference to Courtney Love. Kurt is important to us and minimizing his abuse will never be tolerated on this blog and neither will abuse in general. - Kami and Christy

talkingtodeadguys:


SHORT-ISH VERSION : 


I legit feel sorry for you if someone you know is ever abused because you’ll be like one of those people that’ll think that a woman being gang raped didn’t ‘happen’ because you wouldn’t think that it was possible that someone’s friends would straight up make them into a rag doll. 

Didn’t that happen? Hold up - 

2 Days Ago A 23-year-old girl was gang-raped by her male friend and two of his friends in a moving car before being dumped by the roadside near Nehru Place area of South Delhi (x)

But I bet you two bucks that a week before this happened she was talking about how he was the nicest guy ever on Facebook. 

"So abusedd." Hashtag “#So_abusedd” on twitter for all of the people that are abused, raped, and beaten down in relationships because we didn’t see the warning signs or think that the abusers were capable. 

  1. "You made a status that said that you were in love with him? I think you were making it up."

  2. "But when we went out to dinner you guys were like…super lovey dovey? Do not get?"

  3. "I don’t know what to think. It just seemed like they were so happy…Maybe they should have just gotten couples therapy? Couples always fight so…?"

But Kurt you performed with her and defended her after the Vanity Fair article and you thought she was the greatest person for you? You thought you had finally found your mate? Like, do not get?

He was abused because there are incidents that were documented in the relationship that showed that it was abusive and it is reported from numerous sources from friends, family, first hand experiences, service workers, accountants, psychiatrists, personal assistants, exes, and previous Hole members that she is abusive and has abused many within her 50 years of living. Every single one of those incidents are going to be provided in links in the longer explanation.

For example - She assaulted him with objects, cheated on him, bragged that she’d make him cry, insult his gender fluidity, would emotionally manipulate him and would victimize herself (there are sources for this), pressured him to be the sort of person (she) wanted him to be, and she is quoted in multiple places thinking of him as an object instead of a person and the people around them noticed that she controlled him. 

But when people told him that she was abusive, he defended her because he was in denial that he was being abused because him admitting it to himself basically would have wrecked the entire foundation of who he is as a person. Would have made him become his mother that was abused by his father, make him feel emasculated as a male, and carry the guilt that he’d been fooled by someone that was pretending to love him. 

Imagine that sort of weight and imagine what it would make a person do. You’re backed against a wall and if you admit it you basically lose everything. She isolated him from his friends and made him think they were his enemies, made him hate his career, and gave him a daughter that he was afraid of perceiving him as a coward. So what did he do? He shot himself and felt guilty doing it every step of the way. 

You want to play games where you act like a person that domestically abused their own daughter, raped a Brazilian street walker, and purposely accused her ex husband’s friend of molesting her daughter aren’t traits of someone who’d abuse their own partner?

Abusers can be violent in many cases, are also emotionally manipulative, and they’re going to make their abuse traceless where their victims have absolutely no idea that they’re being abused. If you combine all of these things, you have your answer. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

LONG VERSION : 

We can play this game but we need to be real for a second. If you are THIS ignorant of abuse, then we also have to help you understand how it works. On a human to human level, your ignorance is going to get you FUCKED up. Second of all, it is mind blowingly petty that you would invalidate abuse because the victim defended their abuser at the time. 

We ordinarily would have ignored this but because of the nature of this question we’re going to make this into a teaching tool. We don’t mind it if people don’t believe us. However, we want you to at least be educated on the psychology and patterns of abuse so you don’t end up letting an abuser screw you up or someone you know. Take what you want out of this, but below is going to be a demonstration of solid facts that can help you understand the nature of abuse and how Courtney herself is abusive if you were curious about the latter - As we’ve mentioned, she’s one of our primary models alongside myself, Christy’s ex, among others - 

No one understands the psychology of abuse because it’s insidious. Abusers will condition their victims to believe that nothing is wrong and will emotionally manipulate and confuse them to think that they’re wrong for accusing them of abuse to begin with. Kurt had no consciousness that he was being abused until near the end of his life. The problem with his situation is that it reflected the amount of denial that victims make themselves endure because they want to think that their abuse is just all in their heads. When Christy was being abused by her ex boyfriend (I watched it happen in front of my face), she wanted to think that him threatening to beat her was him being ‘volatile’ and that she was overreacting by thinking that it was wrong. 

When she was with this ex that lived with her she would always say the nicest things about him. To this day she finds old Livejournal posts, Tumblr posts, and diary entries chronicling the illusion she put herself in that she was happy. She thought she was happy whilst being hit for dropping glasses that’d ‘break’ his ‘concentration’ and yelling at her whenever she bothered or disturbed him. I was basically a fly on the wall within the relationship - If I didn’t see it, I heard it over Skype because we Skype 15 hours out of the day, every single day. When she reactivated her old phone recently she had a breakdown over the fact that a person that raped her, hit her, and abused her in EVERY kind of way had the audacity to call her an ‘angel’ in a text message. 

In retrospect, she thought that she was happy and if I had known that he was abusive as it was happening, she would have DEFENDED him and would not have been friends with me anymore because she would have prioritized him. 

What do you think makes this relationship different from Kurt and Courtney’s? I dare you to send at least several asks trying to explain how one situations was abusive while the other was not. Send an email. Get creative with me. 

  • If your best friend was being abused by their boyfriend, would you tell them that they weren’t being abused because they’d tell you that they were the loveliest person in the world after they were called worthless and screamed into submission in public?

  • If your father was being abused by your mother, would you tell your dad that he was imagining being threatened with a custody battle if he ever disagreed with her and being cheated on because he used to say that she was his goddess of a wife?

In comparison, everything with Kurt and Courtney essentially happened behind closed doors and you have every single one of his close friends, including her own family members mentioning that she has abusive qualities. Oddly enough, all of Christy’s exes previous partners mentioned that he was abusive, but she didn’t see it as a red flag at the time. How does all of this equate? Allow me to break it down for you - 

What kind of pattern do you see here? Let’s look at abusive nature in context : 

- - - - - - - - - - 

LEARNING THE CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS (x)

In order to understand abuse you have to see what the individual and combined characteristics of an abuser are. When you look at these characteristics including what sort of actions they LEAD to, you can understand why domestic abuse occurs. It can also help you understand why Kurt’s relationship with Courtney was abusive because he was, in fact, married to an abusive partner. 

We’re not going to include any channeled information in this because we want to show you that the facts have already been on the table and a few months of researching will give you cold, hard results. This is part teaching tool and part demonstration, using Courtney as said model - 

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

Charming, Jealous, Manipulative, Controlling, A Victim, Narcissistic, Inconsistent, Critical, Disconnected, Hypersensitive (aka. Paranoid - Conspiracy oriented), Vicious and cruel, Insincerely Repentant (x)

Tendency to isolate victims, are violent, control partner’s lifestyles (x)

Blame Shifting / Excusing Abuse Within The Eyes of the Abuser (x)
————————

The abuser is hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted. He rants incessantly, treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and expresses negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled.

Abusers often have a history of battering or violent offenses. They use vile language and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility.

Abusers appear at first to be too eager. They push others to marry him, to conclude a partnership with him having dated or met only once or twice. (x)

————————

EXPERIENCES - LEARNING HOW TO SPOT ABUSE FROM SURVIVORS


MenWeb - Battered Men : Men’s Stories (x)

First hand accounts of male survivors experiencing this characteristic from their female partners - 

Guess who these are representations of? + Insert context with links below

(Find : I am currently sitting in a crisis recovery center) 
I was trapped. its all apart of the abuse cycle and I was so beaten down physically, emotionally, and my spirit and fire also. my wife was so possesive of me, and jealous of everyone I paid any attention to. including family, friends, and even my own two kids back home. she would go to extremes lengths to control my behavior. she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills one night because after blowing up irrationally over something so small, I went for a drive to let her cool down. she then sends me a text message saying “this is what you get for leaving me”. needless to say I myself started changing my own behaviors just to avoid an unavoidable conflict with her.

(Find - I have had an experience with a woman that is something out of a horror movie) We always argued, yelling. She lied and manipulated. She was hyper sexual, needed very little sleep. She drank stronger things than I could handle as if it was nothing. She went through severe emotional swings. She could be very caring and loving and giving. She would blame me for everything and never take any responsibility. I refused to back down on my own part. And I responded to her verbal abuse with my own. And i had some unresolved issues from a recently ended relationship that I took into this one. I was always fighting against her trying to control me. She awoke me from sleep several times hitting me and screaming at me. I left several times, but she would stalk me and become apologetic and I would eventually give in, because she wanted me and I wanted her, I fell in love with her against my own better judgement. 


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COURTNEY LOVE - EXAMPLES OF ABUSIVE TENDENCIES AND ABUSE IN ACTION


1992 - Courtney Love assaults and threatens writer Victoria Clark (1)

June 1993 - A neighbor called the police to Kurt’s residence with Courtney and Courtney told the police over the phone that Kurt was attacking her. When the police showed up based on those two accounts she revealed that she had given herself self inflicted 8 inch marks on her arm. The police report also reveals that she was in no distress during the 911 call itself and directly implies that she had called the police for personal gain. See all 4 attached pages : (1)

July 1995 - Courtney assaults Kathleen Hanna unprovoked and twists the story when numerous eye witness accounts (See : The Punk Singer) said that the assault was unprovoked (1) / Kathleen’s recollection of the event (2) / Fabricates story in a public forum (3) (2014)

April 1998 - Courtney assaults journalist Belissa Cohen at fashion show, also unprovoked (1) (2) / Belissa’s firsthand account (3, 4

April 2004 - Courtney assaults associate of ex boyfriend, Kristin King (musician) with a deadly weapon (1) (2) (3) also unprovoked

December 2009 - Frances emancipates herself from Courtney on the grounds of physical domestic abuse (1) and also twists the story to paint her own daughter as the abuser (2) and shames her for outing her abuse (3)

Courtney pushes Kurt to attempt suicide by jumping from a high rise balcony in Sao Paulo, Brazil (Everett True - Nirvana, The True Story, Page 445) (x)

Kurt does heroin to get back at Courtney for talking about their private lives to the press (x)

Evan Dando’s (Lemonheads front man) first hand account describing how Courtney would call him bragging about how she had made Kurt cry (x)

Documentation of Courtney buying expensive objects with Kurt’s money in order to piss him off (Everett True - Page 466 - 467)

Mark Arm’s former girlfriend and friend of Kurt (Carrie Montgomery) shares her experience of Courtney seeking her out and turning Kurt against her by projecting her manipulative habits onto Carrie and isolating Kurt from his friends even further (Everett True - Pages 354 - 355)

Cali Dewitt (former nanny / friend) recalls Courtney’s abuse of Kurt on set of Heart Shaped Box (
1), her tendency to yell at waitresses to demand them to acknowledge her ‘presence’ and fame (2) (Everett True)

Billy Corgan exposes Courtney’s lying and manipulative habits (x)

Courtney reveals that she lies in her back story (first version of many) (x)

Everett True notes that ‘You Know You’re Right’ is a statement on Courtney (x)

Linda Carroll (Courtney’s Mother) goes into detail about Courtney’s childhood that Courtney fabricates, including her lying and manipulation tracing back to her early childhood years - (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

* Linda Carroll’s accounts (condensed) - which also match up with the accounts of Courtney’s service workers, Frances, and so on (x)

Buzz Osborne, Kurt’s long time friend, member of The Melvins, talks about Courtney’s overt lying tendencies + Courtney redirecting blame and accusing Buzz of trying to kill Kurt (x)

Magazine Snippet (MOJO Mag) - Courtney shames Kurt for dressing feminine even though pretends as if she supports it in song lyrics (x)

Frances’s first hand accounts of Courtney’s domestic abuse of her (x)

Courtney abuses personal assistant, Jessica Labrie and refuses to pay her for services (x)

Courtney casually opens up to committing fraud involving Dave Grohl and Nirvana expenses (x)

Courtney throws object at Kurt during 1993 assault charge against Kurt and provokes him during the scuffle (x) (Note - Story changes from her saying that she cut herself on guitar string to her cuts being self inflicted during scuffle)

Spin Magazine 1995 - Courtney admits to emotionally manipulating Kurt into not committing suicide by threatening him with her own death (Christy’s ex did the same thing the day he found out about Kurt’s relationship with her) (x)

Courtney talks about her desire for power in envying former frenemy, Kat Bjelland of Babes In Toyland and wanting to be ‘desired’ (x)

Melissa Rossi (Queen of Noise author) documents Courtney emotionally baiting Kurt’s insecurities by saying that she’s cheating on him (1) + 

* Courtney tries to manipulate Trent Reznor into dating her by claiming she was pregnant with his child (2nd or 3rd method she’s used with other lovers) (2) / (3) - and proceeded to chase him down for validation after Kurt’s death + Courtney’s obsessive Myspace rants about Trent that she makes when he doesn’t feed into her need for unneeded validation (4)

** Melissa Rossi notices that Courtney emotes over ex, Rozz, even though she’s married to Kurt and finds her capacity to fake her emotions for attention disturbing (4, 5, 6)

NME Interview 1995 - Madonna talks about how Courtney used to call her ‘slagging off her husband’ and displaying socially manipulative tactics to fool people into buying her image (x)

Rozz opens up about Courtney’s borderline rape of him (through forced coercion) (1) and Courtney responds to it by saying she was only ‘hormonal’ (2)

Courtney accuses Frances of assaulting her in the midst of Frances going public with her emancipation and counts of domestic abuse (x)

* Courtney directly, over Twitter, insulting Frances for going public for abuse (more examples - Twitter account was confirmed to be Courtney) - (1) + accuses her of lying and that she’s ‘lost her position’ as a daughter (2) / (3) / 

** More accusations of Frances lying about the abuse + emotional manipulation by playing the victim, ie ‘I miss you’ - (4) / (5)

Former Hole drummer, Patty Schemel talks about Courtney’s self absorbed nature (x) + Their feud has also been well documented. 

Kim Gordon (Sonic Youth), talks about how Courtney was oddly jealous of Kurt because Frances was more attached to him when Courtney didn’t like to spend time with her (x) + Former nannies have mentioned in (Kurt & Courtney - 1998) that Kurt spent more time with Frances as double confirmation 

Eric Erlandson (former Hole member) tells Everett about how Courtney manipulated him and tried to deny their relationship for the sake of appearing ‘single’ for people, ie (Kurt) (x) + His prose and stylized “Letters To Kurt” loosely and in some cases, directly cites Courtney’s emotionally abusive tendencies

Mary Lou Lord, (former friend and lover of Kurt’s) goes into detail about how Courtney would lie about her in the press, harass her, and find ways to discredit her involvement with Kurt through intimidation (1, 2, 3)

Courtney casually admits to manipulating ex boyfriend with lying that she needed money when she was pregnant with his child when he didn’t want to give herself income (x)

Barrett Jones (music producer) mentions that Courtney attempted to force Kurt to terminate his work relationship with Kurt because he suggested to her to not do drugs whilst pregnant + belittled him + recalls how Courtney isolated Kurt from his friendships (x) (Everybody Loves Our Town : An Oral History of Grunge - Mark Yarm)

Hole fan account of Courtney’s tendency to switch her emotions on and off in order to gauge public reactions and sympathy - WARNING! (may cause headaches from bright red background - read with caution) (x)

Nirvana fan account (Chris Tharp) of meeting Kurt and Courtney and noticing Courtney’s manipulative tendencies and subtle nuances of greater spousal abuse (x)

Sao Paulo, Brazil (Friend + Fan accounts) - (Video since deleted - x). The account went as follows - when the band had some off time in the midst of touring, Kurt, Courtney and some friends they had made along the way in Brazil took some nights out on the town. There was an incident in which the group of them were driving around town late at night and spotted a street walker. Courtney decided to get out of the car and forced herself on them and molested them on the street but ‘paid’ them $300 to make it seem as if she had just paid for a sexual experience. The account also came from a friend of Kurt and Dave’s that Courtney had tried to start a fight with his girlfriend for no apparent reason. 

Courtney makes an alternative Twitter account and posts fabricated slanders regarding Dave Grohl molesting Frances (x)

(2002 Carrie Fisher Interview) - Refers to her male lovers and romantic partners in the same manner that misogynistic men talk about women as exploits they can manipulate (9:18 - 10:57) (x)

Former lover and friend of Courtney’s, Michael Hornburg, bases some his character in his novel “Bongwater” off of Courtney and many of her characteristics are out right manipulative and include her setting his bed on fire + many of her mannerisms and ways of speaking (x)


- - - - - - - - - - - 

NOW, CAN YOU SPOT AN ABUSE VICTIM?  -

Put yourself in Kurt’s shoes for a second, what do you think he would have checked off according to this information? 

Abuse Checklists: (Previous link)

Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

  • Feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
  • Feel you can’t live without him/her.
  • Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn’t like them.
  • Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
  • Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to “rescue” him/her when he/she is troubled.
  • Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to “reform” him/her.
  • Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner’s behaviour when you are treated badly.
  • Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn’t agree with them.
  • Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
  • Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
  • Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
  • Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
  • Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don’t enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.


We hope that after you and others read this that you can learn to identify abuse because it’s best revealed behind the scenes and in the nuances. This will also be the last time we will be answering a question in reference to Courtney Love. 

Kurt is important to us and minimizing his abuse will never be tolerated on this blog and neither will abuse in general. 

- Kami and Christy

7 hours ago with 12 notes

talkingtodeadguys:

We’ve been wanting to vocalize this topic for quite some time. One of the many, many problems with our culture (and we mean this collectively) is that we believe that love and hate are the same thing. We believe it so much that we normalize romantic, platonic, and familial abuse because we are not given enough examples that help us distinguish the two. Its the sort of problem that can also lead people into believing that there is no difference between volatile and trigger happy relationships and ones where both partners are hurting each other or one of them is actually the victim. We believe that its quite crucial that we spread awareness about how love and hate are very different emotions that have intentions set behind them that can determine whether or not a relationship is destructive.

If it isn’t enough that we normalize abuse, there is also a serious lack of information about the psychology behind it. If someone is being abused there is a really strong chance that they will believe that the situation is entirely their fault. They’ll believe that anything that goes wrong between them and their partner or them and their family member, etcetera, etcetera is something that they seem to naturally inherit the blame for. This isn’t to be confused with false victimization. If you are pretending to be a victim in a relationship of any kind, you will always blame the other person for your experience without spending some amount of time wondering if you are the problem. If you are actually the victim, you don’t have a choice.

The blame is immediately shifted onto you, the other person takes little to no responsibility, and they gaslight your emotions. Gaslighting is a term that’s used to spread awareness about abuse psychology where the abuser in the relationship makes the other question their own sanity, memories about the events they’re accusing them of, and basically makes them think that its still “their” fault. The abuser takes no personal responsibility. This is not a trait of a sexy, volatile relationship. This is what happens during abuse. Hardcore, awful things that we systematically cripple people for and culturally view as being “volatile” because someone will just see it in front of them and think, “Eh, they’ll just work through it.”

However this isn’t just an argument that encompasses romantic relationships. This is meant to be all encompassing. If you are being bullied in the relationships you make and someone is consciously deciding to force their power onto you, something is wrong. This also includes a snide remark on the way you look or act that isn’t called for, a passive aggressive retort when they’re too cowardly to be honest, or someone attempting to invalidate the way you feel because they don’t understand your emotional temperament. These are all symptoms of abuse. This is especially true when its constant. Even though we also encourage that you choose whether or not you want to take hold of your personal power to shield yourself by ignoring the threat or physically push yourself away from it - you should never, ever try to normalize your pain by making yourself feel small or push yourself down. The reason why the three of us (Kurt, Christy, and Kami) are so militant about this topic is because two of us are survivors of multiple forms of abuse and we believe that abuse is so normalized in our culture that we have to fight to have it talked about. Spiritual perspective or not.

A volatile relationship is not an abusive one. In a romantic sense, volatile relationships consists of both partners still loving each other despite pretending that they don’t. The key word is pretend. Even if they argue or fight there is never a lack of love between them or amongst them all if multiple partners are involved. There is no “on” and “off” switch. The difference between a volatile relationship versus an abusive one is that an abusive relationship does not consist of love to begin with. It isn’t, “I love you” one day and “I hate you” the other. It actually consists of one or both partners using the exchange of “I love you” as a way to comfort themselves when they’re in denial of the fact that they’re destroying their partner(s).

Remember gaslighting? In this example that sort of scenario translates to them - - - - (trigger warning) - - - - raping and manipulating their partner like Christina’s ex boyfriend did to her and having the audacity to say, “I love you,” the very next day. Then when Christina would point out his manipulative behavior he responds by saying, “Yeah, but you also like it when I fuck you anyway.” From another perspective, in Kurt’s experience, his ex wife, Courtney, would invalidate his feelings and his criticisms of their relationship by her saying, “Yeah but you complain about everything so….?” There was also rape on his part involved because she would force him to have sex with her by guilt tripping him when he didn’t like the fact that she would just objectify him because she wanted attention.

What can be very confusing about abusive relationships is that if there is an abuser - victim dynamic opposed to two abusive parties screwing each other over, the victim whether a family member on the receiving end or a romantic partner may put their abuser on a pedestal or ignore the abuse. They’ll get trapped into thinking that its inherently “their” own fault to the point where they believe that their family member’s or partner’s actions are justified. They’ll place them on such a pedestal because they’re so accustomed to absorbing the blame that the abuse the experience is seen through a filter. They may not understand that what the other person is doing is wrong and they will naturally associate a make up or ‘recovery’ period as a sign of the relationship working. This takes the form of a child being tormented or beaten by a parent one night and being given ice cream the next. The child may believe that the “reward” system aka. the ‘recovery’ period “covers up” the events of the previous night.

The same can be applied within the context of a romantic relationship. A night of manipulation, violence, or psychological or emotional abuse can not be “soothed” with a trip to Denny’s the next evening or being presented with a glistening gift. The victim, or survivor rather, ignores, denies, or suppresses the abuse in an attempt to comfort themselves. The suppression is a subconscious defense mechanism because that is the only way they can protect themselves within the relationship. The act of establishing a “reward” system within a relationship in general is also abusive - if you decide to treat someone nicely one day, one week, or one month, you aren’t accommodating them and being a good person or lover. You are attempting to reel them back in because their guard is down and making them enter a false sense of security is the perfect tool you can use to take what you want from them before you use the reward system to pretend as if you aren’t an asshole in the first place.

Love and hate are not the same thing. You do not love someone if you have to force your feelings to be reciprocated. Someone does not love you if they at any point want to make you feel powerless, afraid, and silenced. Pretty gifts bought in the morning to quiet a partner, make up sex, shared bank accounts or children caught in the crossfire are not elements that exist to excuse abuse, deny its existence, or make it “okay.” These are not symptoms of volatile Hollywood-happy relationships.

  • If your partner hits you yet also dominates the relationship to make you feel unequal - that is abuse. If you are dehumanized for the way you look, act, or think, that you can not control - that is abuse. If you are being used as a tool to fuel someone’s ego or as a toy to fix the lack of love in themselves that they are responsible for - that is abuse. We believe that you have the right to have a voice simply by existing.

  • If you create a relationship with someone and see them as an object or simply rob someone of their personal agency by manipulating them, silencing them, attempting to “justify” your behavior, or even going as far to blatantly deny the issue - You are the abuser. We believe that your behavior and your actions should be exposed and discussed in hopes of preventing it in the future.

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If you are interested in exploring this topic further, we’ve gathered some very helpful resources for you :

  1. A comprehensive list of what is and what is “not” consent ( 1)

  2. Abuse Survivor Leslie Morgan Steiner on “Why Abuse Victims Don’t Leave” / Understanding the Psychology of Abuse ( 2 )

    + Important Note : If you feel as if you are the victim in one or many of these situations we encourage you to reach out to a counselor, therapist, of some kind, or to contact your local authorities as well. If you need to vent, our inbox is always, ALWAYS open <3
11 hours ago with 80 notes
SHORT-ISH VERSION : 
I legit feel sorry for you if someone you know is ever abused because you&#8217;ll be like one of those people that&#8217;ll think that a woman being gang raped didn&#8217;t &#8216;happen&#8217; because you wouldn&#8217;t think that it was possible that someone&#8217;s friends would straight up make them into a rag doll. 

Didn&#8217;t that happen? Hold up - 2 Days Ago : A 23-year-old girl was gang-raped by her male friend and two of his friends in a moving car before being dumped by the roadside near Nehru Place area of South Delhi (x)But I bet you two bucks that a week before this happened she was talking about how he was the nicest guy ever on Facebook. 

"So abusedd." Hashtag &#8220;#So_abusedd&#8221; on twitter for all of the people that are abused, raped, and beaten down in relationships because we didn&#8217;t see the warning signs or think that the abusers were capable. 
"You made a status that said that you were in love with him? I think you were making it up."
"But when we went out to dinner you guys were like&#8230;super lovey dovey? Do not get?"
"I don&#8217;t know what to think. It just seemed like they were so happy&#8230;Maybe they should have just gotten couples therapy? Couples always fight so&#8230;?"
But Kurt you performed with her and defended her after the Vanity Fair article and you thought she was the greatest person for you? You thought you had finally found your mate? Like, do not get?He was abused because there are incidents that were documented in the relationship that showed that it was abusive and it is reported from numerous sources from friends, family, first hand experiences, service workers, accountants, psychiatrists, personal assistants, exes, and previous Hole members that she is abusive and has abused many within her 50 years of living. Every single one of those incidents are going to be provided in links in the longer explanation.
For example - She assaulted him with objects, cheated on him, bragged that she&#8217;d make him cry, insult his gender fluidity, would emotionally manipulate him and would victimize herself (there are sources for this), pressured him to be the sort of person (she) wanted him to be, and she is quoted in multiple places thinking of him as an object instead of a person and the people around them noticed that she controlled him. 
But when people told him that she was abusive, he defended her because he was in denial that he was being abused because him admitting it to himself basically would have wrecked the entire foundation of who he is as a person. Would have made him become his mother that was abused by his father, make him feel emasculated as a male, and carry the guilt that he&#8217;d been fooled by someone that was pretending to love him. 
Imagine that sort of weight and imagine what it would make a person do. You&#8217;re backed against a wall and if you admit it you basically lose everything. She isolated him from his friends and made him think they were his enemies, made him hate his career, and gave him a daughter that he was afraid of perceiving him as a coward. So what did he do? He shot himself and felt guilty doing it every step of the way. You want to play games where you act like a person that domestically abused their own daughter, raped a Brazilian street walker, and purposely accused her ex husband&#8217;s friend of molesting her daughter aren&#8217;t traits of someone who&#8217;d abuse their own partner?Abusers can be violent in many cases, are also emotionally manipulative, and they&#8217;re going to make their abuse traceless where their victims have absolutely no idea that they&#8217;re being abused. If you combine all of these things, you have your answer. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - LONG VERSION : We can play this game but we need to be real for a second. If you are THIS ignorant of abuse, then we also have to help you understand how it works. On a human to human level, your ignorance is going to get you FUCKED up. Second of all, it is mind blowingly petty that you would invalidate abuse because the victim defended their abuser at the time. We ordinarily would have ignored this but because of the nature of this question we&#8217;re going to make this into a teaching tool. We don&#8217;t mind it if people don&#8217;t believe us. However, we want you to at least be educated on the psychology and patterns of abuse so you don&#8217;t end up letting an abuser screw you up or someone you know. Take what you want out of this, but below is going to be a demonstration of solid facts that can help you understand the nature of abuse and how Courtney herself is abusive if you were curious about the latter - As we&#8217;ve mentioned, she&#8217;s one of our primary models alongside myself, Christy&#8217;s ex, among others - 
No one understands the psychology of abuse because it&#8217;s insidious. Abusers will condition their victims to believe that nothing is wrong and will emotionally manipulate and confuse them to think that they&#8217;re wrong for accusing them of abuse to begin with. Kurt had no consciousness that he was being abused until near the end of his life. The problem with his situation is that it reflected the amount of denial that victims make themselves endure because they want to think that their abuse is just all in their heads. When Christy was being abused by her ex boyfriend (I watched it happen in front of my face), she wanted to think that him threatening to beat her was him being &#8216;volatile&#8217; and that she was overreacting by thinking that it was wrong. When she was with this ex that lived with her she would always say the nicest things about him. To this day she finds old Livejournal posts, Tumblr posts, and diary entries chronicling the illusion she put herself in that she was happy. She thought she was happy whilst being hit for dropping glasses that&#8217;d &#8216;break&#8217; his &#8216;concentration&#8217; and yelling at her whenever she bothered or disturbed him. I was basically a fly on the wall within the relationship - If I didn&#8217;t see it, I heard it over Skype because we Skype 15 hours out of the day, every single day. When she reactivated her old phone recently she had a breakdown over the fact that a person that raped her, hit her, and abused her in EVERY kind of way had the audacity to call her an &#8216;angel&#8217; in a text message. 
In retrospect, she thought that she was happy and if I had known that he was abusive as it was happening, she would have DEFENDED him and would not have been friends with me anymore because she would have prioritized him. What do you think makes this relationship different from Kurt and Courtney&#8217;s? I dare you to send at least several asks trying to explain how one situations was abusive while the other was not. Send an email. Get creative with me. 
If your best friend was being abused by their boyfriend, would you tell them that they weren&#8217;t being abused because they&#8217;d tell you that they were the loveliest person in the world after they were called worthless and screamed into submission in public?
If your father was being abused by your mother, would you tell your dad that he was imagining being threatened with a custody battle if he ever disagreed with her and being cheated on because he used to say that she was his goddess of a wife?
In comparison, everything with Kurt and Courtney essentially happened behind closed doors and you have every single one of his close friends, including her own family members mentioning that she has abusive qualities. Oddly enough, all of Christy&#8217;s exes previous partners mentioned that he was abusive, but she didn&#8217;t see it as a red flag at the time. How does all of this equate? Allow me to break it down for you - What kind of pattern do you see here? Let&#8217;s look at abusive nature in context : - - - - - - - - - - 
LEARNING THE CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS (x)
In order to understand abuse you have to see what the individual and combined characteristics of an abuser are. When you look at these characteristics including what sort of actions they LEAD to, you can understand why domestic abuse occurs. It can also help you understand why Kurt&#8217;s relationship with Courtney was abusive because he was, in fact, married to an abusive partner. We&#8217;re not going to include any channeled information in this because we want to show you that the facts have already been on the table and a few months of researching will give you cold, hard results. This is part teaching tool and part demonstration, using Courtney as said model - Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

Charming, Jealous, Manipulative, Controlling, A Victim, Narcissistic, Inconsistent, Critical, Disconnected, Hypersensitive (aka. Paranoid - Conspiracy oriented), Vicious and cruel, Insincerely Repentant (x)

Tendency to isolate victims, are violent, control partner&#8217;s lifestyles (x)Blame Shifting / Excusing Abuse Within The Eyes of the Abuser (x)&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;
The abuser is hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted. He rants incessantly, treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and expresses negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled.Abusers often have a history of battering or violent offenses. They use vile language and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility.Abusers appear at first to be too eager. They push others to marry him, to conclude a partnership with him having dated or met only once or twice. (x)
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EXPERIENCES - LEARNING HOW TO SPOT ABUSE FROM SURVIVORS
MenWeb - Battered Men&#160;: Men&#8217;s Stories (x)First hand accounts of male survivors experiencing this characteristic from their female partners - Guess who these are representations of? + Insert context with links below(Find&#160;: I am currently sitting in a crisis recovery center) I was trapped. its all apart of the abuse cycle and I was so beaten down physically, emotionally, and my spirit and fire also. my wife was so possesive of me, and jealous of everyone I paid any attention to. including family, friends, and even my own two kids back home. she would go to extremes lengths to control my behavior. she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills one night because after blowing up irrationally over something so small, I went for a drive to let her cool down. she then sends me a text message saying “this is what you get for leaving me”. needless to say I myself started changing my own behaviors just to avoid an unavoidable conflict with her.(Find - I have had an experience with a woman that is something out of a horror movie) We always argued, yelling. She lied and manipulated. She was hyper sexual, needed very little sleep. She drank stronger things than I could handle as if it was nothing. She went through severe emotional swings. She could be very caring and loving and giving. She would blame me for everything and never take any responsibility. I refused to back down on my own part. And I responded to her verbal abuse with my own. And i had some unresolved issues from a recently ended relationship that I took into this one. I was always fighting against her trying to control me. She awoke me from sleep several times hitting me and screaming at me. I left several times, but she would stalk me and become apologetic and I would eventually give in, because she wanted me and I wanted her, I fell in love with her against my own better judgement. 
Meredith Vieira opens up about why she stayed in an abusive relationship (x)
Vice writer, Lauren Browne, talks about why she stayed (x)
See current tending Twitter hashtag&#160;: &#8220;#WhyIStayed&#8221;
NFL star&#8217;s wife denies domestic abuse and continues to defend husband (x)
Writer, Alison B. Hart, talks about her experiences of living with an abuser partner that is female (x)
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COURTNEY LOVE - EXAMPLES OF ABUSIVE TENDENCIES AND ABUSE IN ACTION
1992 - Courtney Love assaults and threatens writer Victoria Clark (1)June 1993 - A neighbor called the police to Kurt&#8217;s residence with Courtney and Courtney told the police over the phone that Kurt was attacking her. When the police showed up based on those two accounts she revealed that she had given herself self inflicted 8 inch marks on her arm. The police report also reveals that she was in no distress during the 911 call itself and directly implies that she had called the police for personal gain. See all 4 attached pages&#160;: (1)July 1995 - Courtney assaults Kathleen Hanna unprovoked and twists the story when numerous eye witness accounts (See&#160;: The Punk Singer) said that the assault was unprovoked (1) / Kathleen&#8217;s recollection of the event (2) / Fabricates story in a public forum (3) (2014)April 1998 - Courtney assaults journalist Belissa Cohen at fashion show, also unprovoked (1) (2) / Belissa&#8217;s firsthand account (3, 4) April 2004 - Courtney assaults associate of ex boyfriend, Kristin King (musician) with a deadly weapon (1) (2) (3) also unprovokedDecember 2009 - Frances emancipates herself from Courtney on the grounds of physical domestic abuse (1) and also twists the story to paint her own daughter as the abuser (2) and shames her for outing her abuse (3)
Courtney pushes Kurt to attempt suicide by jumping from a high rise balcony in Sao Paulo, Brazil (Everett True - Nirvana, The True Story, Page 445) (x)Kurt does heroin to get back at Courtney for talking about their private lives to the press (x)Evan Dando&#8217;s (Lemonheads front man) first hand account describing how Courtney would call him bragging about how she had made Kurt cry (x)Documentation of Courtney buying expensive objects with Kurt&#8217;s money in order to piss him off (Everett True - Page 466 - 467)Mark Arm&#8217;s former girlfriend and friend of Kurt (Carrie Montgomery) shares her experience of Courtney seeking her out and turning Kurt against her by projecting her manipulative habits onto Carrie and isolating Kurt from his friends even further (Everett True - Pages 354 - 355)Cali Dewitt (former nanny / friend) recalls Courtney&#8217;s abuse of Kurt on set of Heart Shaped Box (1), her tendency to yell at waitresses to demand them to acknowledge her &#8216;presence&#8217; and fame (2) (Everett True)Billy Corgan exposes Courtney&#8217;s lying and manipulative habits (x)Courtney reveals that she lies in her back story (first version of many) (x)Everett True notes that &#8216;You Know You&#8217;re Right&#8217; is a statement on Courtney (x)Linda Carroll (Courtney&#8217;s Mother) goes into detail about Courtney&#8217;s childhood that Courtney fabricates, including her lying and manipulation tracing back to her early childhood years - (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)* Linda Carroll&#8217;s accounts (condensed) - which also match up with the accounts of Courtney&#8217;s service workers, Frances, and so on (x)Buzz Osborne, Kurt&#8217;s long time friend, member of The Melvins, talks about Courtney&#8217;s overt lying tendencies + Courtney redirecting blame and accusing Buzz of trying to kill Kurt (x)Magazine Snippet (MOJO Mag) - Courtney shames Kurt for dressing feminine even though pretends as if she supports it in song lyrics (x)Frances&#8217;s first hand accounts of Courtney&#8217;s domestic abuse of her (x)Courtney abuses personal assistant, Jessica Labrie and refuses to pay her for services (x)Courtney casually opens up to committing fraud involving Dave Grohl and Nirvana expenses (x)Courtney throws object at Kurt during 1993 assault charge against Kurt and provokes him during the scuffle (x) (Note - Story changes from her saying that she cut herself on guitar string to her cuts being self inflicted during scuffle)Spin Magazine 1995 - Courtney admits to emotionally manipulating Kurt into not committing suicide by threatening him with her own death (Christy&#8217;s ex did the same thing the day he found out about Kurt&#8217;s relationship with her) (x)Courtney talks about her desire for power in envying former frenemy, Kat Bjelland of Babes In Toyland and wanting to be &#8216;desired&#8217; (x)Melissa Rossi (Queen of Noise author) documents Courtney emotionally baiting Kurt&#8217;s insecurities by saying that she&#8217;s cheating on him (1) + * Courtney tries to manipulate Trent Reznor into dating her by claiming she was pregnant with his child (2nd or 3rd method she&#8217;s used with other lovers) (2) / (3) - and proceeded to chase him down for validation after Kurt&#8217;s death + Courtney&#8217;s obsessive Myspace rants about Trent that she makes when he doesn&#8217;t feed into her need for unneeded validation (4)** Melissa Rossi notices that Courtney emotes over ex, Rozz, even though she&#8217;s married to Kurt and finds her capacity to fake her emotions for attention disturbing (4, 5, 6)NME Interview 1995 - Madonna talks about how Courtney used to call her &#8216;slagging off her husband&#8217; and displaying socially manipulative tactics to fool people into buying her image (x)Rozz opens up about Courtney&#8217;s borderline rape of him (through forced coercion) (1) and Courtney responds to it by saying she was only &#8216;hormonal&#8217; (2)Courtney accuses Frances of assaulting her in the midst of Frances going public with her emancipation and counts of domestic abuse (x)* Courtney directly, over Twitter, insulting Frances for going public for abuse (more examples - Twitter account was confirmed to be Courtney) - (1) + accuses her of lying and that she&#8217;s &#8216;lost her position&#8217; as a daughter (2) / (3) / ** More accusations of Frances lying about the abuse + emotional manipulation by playing the victim, ie &#8216;I miss you&#8217; - (4) / (5)Former Hole drummer, Patty Schemel talks about Courtney&#8217;s self absorbed nature (x) + Their feud has also been well documented. Kim Gordon (Sonic Youth), talks about how Courtney was oddly jealous of Kurt because Frances was more attached to him when Courtney didn&#8217;t like to spend time with her (x) + Former nannies have mentioned in (Kurt &amp; Courtney - 1998) that Kurt spent more time with Frances as double confirmation Eric Erlandson (former Hole member) tells Everett about how Courtney manipulated him and tried to deny their relationship for the sake of appearing &#8216;single&#8217; for people, ie (Kurt) (x) + His prose and stylized &#8220;Letters To Kurt&#8221; loosely and in some cases, directly cites Courtney&#8217;s emotionally abusive tendenciesMary Lou Lord, (former friend and lover of Kurt&#8217;s) goes into detail about how Courtney would lie about her in the press, harass her, and find ways to discredit her involvement with Kurt through intimidation (1, 2, 3)Courtney casually admits to manipulating ex boyfriend with lying that she needed money when she was pregnant with his child when he didn&#8217;t want to give herself income (x)Barrett Jones (music producer) mentions that Courtney attempted to force Kurt to terminate his work relationship with Kurt because he suggested to her to not do drugs whilst pregnant + belittled him + recalls how Courtney isolated Kurt from his friendships (x) (Everybody Loves Our Town&#160;: An Oral History of Grunge - Mark Yarm)Hole fan account of Courtney&#8217;s tendency to switch her emotions on and off in order to gauge public reactions and sympathy - WARNING! (may cause headaches from bright red background - read with caution) (x)Nirvana fan account (Chris Tharp) of meeting Kurt and Courtney and noticing Courtney&#8217;s manipulative tendencies and subtle nuances of greater spousal abuse (x)Sao Paulo, Brazil (Friend + Fan accounts) - (Video since deleted - x). The account went as follows - when the band had some off time in the midst of touring, Kurt, Courtney and some friends they had made along the way in Brazil took some nights out on the town. There was an incident in which the group of them were driving around town late at night and spotted a street walker. Courtney decided to get out of the car and forced herself on them and molested them on the street but &#8216;paid&#8217; them $300 to make it seem as if she had just paid for a sexual experience. The account also came from a friend of Kurt and Dave&#8217;s that Courtney had tried to start a fight with his girlfriend for no apparent reason. Courtney makes an alternative Twitter account and posts fabricated slanders regarding Dave Grohl molesting Frances (x)
(2002 Carrie Fisher Interview) - Refers to her male lovers and romantic partners in the same manner that misogynistic men talk about women as exploits they can manipulate (9:18 - 10:57) (x)
Former lover and friend of Courtney&#8217;s, Michael Hornburg, bases some his character in his novel &#8220;Bongwater&#8221; off of Courtney and many of her characteristics are out right manipulative and include her setting his bed on fire + many of her mannerisms and ways of speaking (x)- - - - - - - - - - - 
NOW, CAN YOU SPOT AN ABUSE VICTIM?  -
Put yourself in Kurt&#8217;s shoes for a second, what do you think he would have checked off according to this information? 
Abuse Checklists: (Previous link)
Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.
You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:
Feel like you have to &#8220;walk on eggshells&#8221; to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
Feel you can&#8217;t live without him/her.
Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn&#8217;t like them.
Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to &#8220;rescue&#8221; him/her when he/she is troubled.
Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to &#8220;reform&#8221; him/her.
Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner&#8217;s behaviour when you are treated badly.
Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn&#8217;t agree with them.
Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don&#8217;t enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
We hope that after you and others read this that you can learn to identify abuse because it&#8217;s best revealed behind the scenes and in the nuances. This will also be the last time we will be answering a question in reference to Courtney Love. Kurt is important to us and minimizing his abuse will never be tolerated on this blog and neither will abuse in general. - Kami and Christy


SHORT-ISH VERSION : 


I legit feel sorry for you if someone you know is ever abused because you’ll be like one of those people that’ll think that a woman being gang raped didn’t ‘happen’ because you wouldn’t think that it was possible that someone’s friends would straight up make them into a rag doll. 

Didn’t that happen? Hold up - 

2 Days Ago A 23-year-old girl was gang-raped by her male friend and two of his friends in a moving car before being dumped by the roadside near Nehru Place area of South Delhi (x)

But I bet you two bucks that a week before this happened she was talking about how he was the nicest guy ever on Facebook. 

"So abusedd." Hashtag “#So_abusedd” on twitter for all of the people that are abused, raped, and beaten down in relationships because we didn’t see the warning signs or think that the abusers were capable. 

  1. "You made a status that said that you were in love with him? I think you were making it up."

  2. "But when we went out to dinner you guys were like…super lovey dovey? Do not get?"

  3. "I don’t know what to think. It just seemed like they were so happy…Maybe they should have just gotten couples therapy? Couples always fight so…?"

But Kurt you performed with her and defended her after the Vanity Fair article and you thought she was the greatest person for you? You thought you had finally found your mate? Like, do not get?

He was abused because there are incidents that were documented in the relationship that showed that it was abusive and it is reported from numerous sources from friends, family, first hand experiences, service workers, accountants, psychiatrists, personal assistants, exes, and previous Hole members that she is abusive and has abused many within her 50 years of living. Every single one of those incidents are going to be provided in links in the longer explanation.

For example - She assaulted him with objects, cheated on him, bragged that she’d make him cry, insult his gender fluidity, would emotionally manipulate him and would victimize herself (there are sources for this), pressured him to be the sort of person (she) wanted him to be, and she is quoted in multiple places thinking of him as an object instead of a person and the people around them noticed that she controlled him. 

But when people told him that she was abusive, he defended her because he was in denial that he was being abused because him admitting it to himself basically would have wrecked the entire foundation of who he is as a person. Would have made him become his mother that was abused by his father, make him feel emasculated as a male, and carry the guilt that he’d been fooled by someone that was pretending to love him. 

Imagine that sort of weight and imagine what it would make a person do. You’re backed against a wall and if you admit it you basically lose everything. She isolated him from his friends and made him think they were his enemies, made him hate his career, and gave him a daughter that he was afraid of perceiving him as a coward. So what did he do? He shot himself and felt guilty doing it every step of the way. 

You want to play games where you act like a person that domestically abused their own daughter, raped a Brazilian street walker, and purposely accused her ex husband’s friend of molesting her daughter aren’t traits of someone who’d abuse their own partner?

Abusers can be violent in many cases, are also emotionally manipulative, and they’re going to make their abuse traceless where their victims have absolutely no idea that they’re being abused. If you combine all of these things, you have your answer. 

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LONG VERSION : 

We can play this game but we need to be real for a second. If you are THIS ignorant of abuse, then we also have to help you understand how it works. On a human to human level, your ignorance is going to get you FUCKED up. Second of all, it is mind blowingly petty that you would invalidate abuse because the victim defended their abuser at the time. 

We ordinarily would have ignored this but because of the nature of this question we’re going to make this into a teaching tool. We don’t mind it if people don’t believe us. However, we want you to at least be educated on the psychology and patterns of abuse so you don’t end up letting an abuser screw you up or someone you know. Take what you want out of this, but below is going to be a demonstration of solid facts that can help you understand the nature of abuse and how Courtney herself is abusive if you were curious about the latter - As we’ve mentioned, she’s one of our primary models alongside myself, Christy’s ex, among others - 

No one understands the psychology of abuse because it’s insidious. Abusers will condition their victims to believe that nothing is wrong and will emotionally manipulate and confuse them to think that they’re wrong for accusing them of abuse to begin with. Kurt had no consciousness that he was being abused until near the end of his life. The problem with his situation is that it reflected the amount of denial that victims make themselves endure because they want to think that their abuse is just all in their heads. When Christy was being abused by her ex boyfriend (I watched it happen in front of my face), she wanted to think that him threatening to beat her was him being ‘volatile’ and that she was overreacting by thinking that it was wrong. 

When she was with this ex that lived with her she would always say the nicest things about him. To this day she finds old Livejournal posts, Tumblr posts, and diary entries chronicling the illusion she put herself in that she was happy. She thought she was happy whilst being hit for dropping glasses that’d ‘break’ his ‘concentration’ and yelling at her whenever she bothered or disturbed him. I was basically a fly on the wall within the relationship - If I didn’t see it, I heard it over Skype because we Skype 15 hours out of the day, every single day. When she reactivated her old phone recently she had a breakdown over the fact that a person that raped her, hit her, and abused her in EVERY kind of way had the audacity to call her an ‘angel’ in a text message. 

In retrospect, she thought that she was happy and if I had known that he was abusive as it was happening, she would have DEFENDED him and would not have been friends with me anymore because she would have prioritized him. 

What do you think makes this relationship different from Kurt and Courtney’s? I dare you to send at least several asks trying to explain how one situations was abusive while the other was not. Send an email. Get creative with me. 

In comparison, everything with Kurt and Courtney essentially happened behind closed doors and you have every single one of his close friends, including her own family members mentioning that she has abusive qualities. Oddly enough, all of Christy’s exes previous partners mentioned that he was abusive, but she didn’t see it as a red flag at the time. How does all of this equate? Allow me to break it down for you - 

What kind of pattern do you see here? Let’s look at abusive nature in context : 

- - - - - - - - - - 

LEARNING THE CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS (x)

In order to understand abuse you have to see what the individual and combined characteristics of an abuser are. When you look at these characteristics including what sort of actions they LEAD to, you can understand why domestic abuse occurs. It can also help you understand why Kurt’s relationship with Courtney was abusive because he was, in fact, married to an abusive partner. 

We’re not going to include any channeled information in this because we want to show you that the facts have already been on the table and a few months of researching will give you cold, hard results. This is part teaching tool and part demonstration, using Courtney as said model - 

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

Charming, Jealous, Manipulative, Controlling, A Victim, Narcissistic, Inconsistent, Critical, Disconnected, Hypersensitive (aka. Paranoid - Conspiracy oriented), Vicious and cruel, Insincerely Repentant (x)

Tendency to isolate victims, are violent, control partner’s lifestyles (x)

Blame Shifting / Excusing Abuse Within The Eyes of the Abuser (x)
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The abuser is hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted. He rants incessantly, treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and expresses negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled.

Abusers often have a history of battering or violent offenses. They use vile language and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility.

Abusers appear at first to be too eager. They push others to marry him, to conclude a partnership with him having dated or met only once or twice. (x)

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EXPERIENCES - LEARNING HOW TO SPOT ABUSE FROM SURVIVORS


MenWeb - Battered Men : Men’s Stories (x)

First hand accounts of male survivors experiencing this characteristic from their female partners - 

Guess who these are representations of? + Insert context with links below

(Find : I am currently sitting in a crisis recovery center) 
I was trapped. its all apart of the abuse cycle and I was so beaten down physically, emotionally, and my spirit and fire also. my wife was so possesive of me, and jealous of everyone I paid any attention to. including family, friends, and even my own two kids back home. she would go to extremes lengths to control my behavior. she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills one night because after blowing up irrationally over something so small, I went for a drive to let her cool down. she then sends me a text message saying “this is what you get for leaving me”. needless to say I myself started changing my own behaviors just to avoid an unavoidable conflict with her.

(Find - I have had an experience with a woman that is something out of a horror movie) We always argued, yelling. She lied and manipulated. She was hyper sexual, needed very little sleep. She drank stronger things than I could handle as if it was nothing. She went through severe emotional swings. She could be very caring and loving and giving. She would blame me for everything and never take any responsibility. I refused to back down on my own part. And I responded to her verbal abuse with my own. And i had some unresolved issues from a recently ended relationship that I took into this one. I was always fighting against her trying to control me. She awoke me from sleep several times hitting me and screaming at me. I left several times, but she would stalk me and become apologetic and I would eventually give in, because she wanted me and I wanted her, I fell in love with her against my own better judgement. 


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COURTNEY LOVE - EXAMPLES OF ABUSIVE TENDENCIES AND ABUSE IN ACTION


1992 - Courtney Love assaults and threatens writer Victoria Clark (1)

June 1993 - A neighbor called the police to Kurt’s residence with Courtney and Courtney told the police over the phone that Kurt was attacking her. When the police showed up based on those two accounts she revealed that she had given herself self inflicted 8 inch marks on her arm. The police report also reveals that she was in no distress during the 911 call itself and directly implies that she had called the police for personal gain. See all 4 attached pages : (1)

July 1995 - Courtney assaults Kathleen Hanna unprovoked and twists the story when numerous eye witness accounts (See : The Punk Singer) said that the assault was unprovoked (1) / Kathleen’s recollection of the event (2) / Fabricates story in a public forum (3) (2014)

April 1998 - Courtney assaults journalist Belissa Cohen at fashion show, also unprovoked (1) (2) / Belissa’s firsthand account (3, 4

April 2004 - Courtney assaults associate of ex boyfriend, Kristin King (musician) with a deadly weapon (1) (2) (3) also unprovoked

December 2009 - Frances emancipates herself from Courtney on the grounds of physical domestic abuse (1) and also twists the story to paint her own daughter as the abuser (2) and shames her for outing her abuse (3)

Courtney pushes Kurt to attempt suicide by jumping from a high rise balcony in Sao Paulo, Brazil (Everett True - Nirvana, The True Story, Page 445) (x)

Kurt does heroin to get back at Courtney for talking about their private lives to the press (x)

Evan Dando’s (Lemonheads front man) first hand account describing how Courtney would call him bragging about how she had made Kurt cry (x)

Documentation of Courtney buying expensive objects with Kurt’s money in order to piss him off (Everett True - Page 466 - 467)

Mark Arm’s former girlfriend and friend of Kurt (Carrie Montgomery) shares her experience of Courtney seeking her out and turning Kurt against her by projecting her manipulative habits onto Carrie and isolating Kurt from his friends even further (Everett True - Pages 354 - 355)

Cali Dewitt (former nanny / friend) recalls Courtney’s abuse of Kurt on set of Heart Shaped Box (
1), her tendency to yell at waitresses to demand them to acknowledge her ‘presence’ and fame (2) (Everett True)

Billy Corgan exposes Courtney’s lying and manipulative habits (x)

Courtney reveals that she lies in her back story (first version of many) (x)

Everett True notes that ‘You Know You’re Right’ is a statement on Courtney (x)

Linda Carroll (Courtney’s Mother) goes into detail about Courtney’s childhood that Courtney fabricates, including her lying and manipulation tracing back to her early childhood years - (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

* Linda Carroll’s accounts (condensed) - which also match up with the accounts of Courtney’s service workers, Frances, and so on (x)

Buzz Osborne, Kurt’s long time friend, member of The Melvins, talks about Courtney’s overt lying tendencies + Courtney redirecting blame and accusing Buzz of trying to kill Kurt (x)

Magazine Snippet (MOJO Mag) - Courtney shames Kurt for dressing feminine even though pretends as if she supports it in song lyrics (x)

Frances’s first hand accounts of Courtney’s domestic abuse of her (x)

Courtney abuses personal assistant, Jessica Labrie and refuses to pay her for services (x)

Courtney casually opens up to committing fraud involving Dave Grohl and Nirvana expenses (x)

Courtney throws object at Kurt during 1993 assault charge against Kurt and provokes him during the scuffle (x) (Note - Story changes from her saying that she cut herself on guitar string to her cuts being self inflicted during scuffle)

Spin Magazine 1995 - Courtney admits to emotionally manipulating Kurt into not committing suicide by threatening him with her own death (Christy’s ex did the same thing the day he found out about Kurt’s relationship with her) (x)

Courtney talks about her desire for power in envying former frenemy, Kat Bjelland of Babes In Toyland and wanting to be ‘desired’ (x)

Melissa Rossi (Queen of Noise author) documents Courtney emotionally baiting Kurt’s insecurities by saying that she’s cheating on him (1) + 

* Courtney tries to manipulate Trent Reznor into dating her by claiming she was pregnant with his child (2nd or 3rd method she’s used with other lovers) (2) / (3) - and proceeded to chase him down for validation after Kurt’s death + Courtney’s obsessive Myspace rants about Trent that she makes when he doesn’t feed into her need for unneeded validation (4)

** Melissa Rossi notices that Courtney emotes over ex, Rozz, even though she’s married to Kurt and finds her capacity to fake her emotions for attention disturbing (4, 5, 6)

NME Interview 1995 - Madonna talks about how Courtney used to call her ‘slagging off her husband’ and displaying socially manipulative tactics to fool people into buying her image (x)

Rozz opens up about Courtney’s borderline rape of him (through forced coercion) (1) and Courtney responds to it by saying she was only ‘hormonal’ (2)

Courtney accuses Frances of assaulting her in the midst of Frances going public with her emancipation and counts of domestic abuse (x)

* Courtney directly, over Twitter, insulting Frances for going public for abuse (more examples - Twitter account was confirmed to be Courtney) - (1) + accuses her of lying and that she’s ‘lost her position’ as a daughter (2) / (3) / 

** More accusations of Frances lying about the abuse + emotional manipulation by playing the victim, ie ‘I miss you’ - (4) / (5)

Former Hole drummer, Patty Schemel talks about Courtney’s self absorbed nature (x) + Their feud has also been well documented. 

Kim Gordon (Sonic Youth), talks about how Courtney was oddly jealous of Kurt because Frances was more attached to him when Courtney didn’t like to spend time with her (x) + Former nannies have mentioned in (Kurt & Courtney - 1998) that Kurt spent more time with Frances as double confirmation 

Eric Erlandson (former Hole member) tells Everett about how Courtney manipulated him and tried to deny their relationship for the sake of appearing ‘single’ for people, ie (Kurt) (x) + His prose and stylized “Letters To Kurt” loosely and in some cases, directly cites Courtney’s emotionally abusive tendencies

Mary Lou Lord, (former friend and lover of Kurt’s) goes into detail about how Courtney would lie about her in the press, harass her, and find ways to discredit her involvement with Kurt through intimidation (1, 2, 3)

Courtney casually admits to manipulating ex boyfriend with lying that she needed money when she was pregnant with his child when he didn’t want to give herself income (x)

Barrett Jones (music producer) mentions that Courtney attempted to force Kurt to terminate his work relationship with Kurt because he suggested to her to not do drugs whilst pregnant + belittled him + recalls how Courtney isolated Kurt from his friendships (x) (Everybody Loves Our Town : An Oral History of Grunge - Mark Yarm)

Hole fan account of Courtney’s tendency to switch her emotions on and off in order to gauge public reactions and sympathy - WARNING! (may cause headaches from bright red background - read with caution) (x)

Nirvana fan account (Chris Tharp) of meeting Kurt and Courtney and noticing Courtney’s manipulative tendencies and subtle nuances of greater spousal abuse (x)

Sao Paulo, Brazil (Friend + Fan accounts) - (Video since deleted - x). The account went as follows - when the band had some off time in the midst of touring, Kurt, Courtney and some friends they had made along the way in Brazil took some nights out on the town. There was an incident in which the group of them were driving around town late at night and spotted a street walker. Courtney decided to get out of the car and forced herself on them and molested them on the street but ‘paid’ them $300 to make it seem as if she had just paid for a sexual experience. The account also came from a friend of Kurt and Dave’s that Courtney had tried to start a fight with his girlfriend for no apparent reason. 

Courtney makes an alternative Twitter account and posts fabricated slanders regarding Dave Grohl molesting Frances (x)

(2002 Carrie Fisher Interview) - Refers to her male lovers and romantic partners in the same manner that misogynistic men talk about women as exploits they can manipulate (9:18 - 10:57) (x)

Former lover and friend of Courtney’s, Michael Hornburg, bases some his character in his novel “Bongwater” off of Courtney and many of her characteristics are out right manipulative and include her setting his bed on fire + many of her mannerisms and ways of speaking (x)


- - - - - - - - - - - 

NOW, CAN YOU SPOT AN ABUSE VICTIM?  -

Put yourself in Kurt’s shoes for a second, what do you think he would have checked off according to this information? 

Abuse Checklists: (Previous link)

Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:


We hope that after you and others read this that you can learn to identify abuse because it’s best revealed behind the scenes and in the nuances. This will also be the last time we will be answering a question in reference to Courtney Love. 

Kurt is important to us and minimizing his abuse will never be tolerated on this blog and neither will abuse in general. 

- Kami and Christy

19 hours ago with 12 notes

ohgodwhoseroomsarethese:

somequeershit:

keep-calm-and-disney-on:

Or, “How You Know You Are In An Abusive Relationship 101”

My mom absolutely refused to let me see this movie and once I actually saw it, i saw why

That’s the most chilling possible comment on this post.

23 hours ago with 206921 notes
1 day ago with 17 notes
Anonymous said: (2/2) Holding a baby is like idk holding the most precious gift in the world. Idk how to explain it. It's like they're better than gold. Holding them is a blessing from Heaven and everything else melts away. Is this how you feel about kids too? Or is it way more than that?

(Continued)

Means that whether a child had 3rd degree burns or didn’t, that feeling wouldn’t change. Like I have a lot of days where I wish that I could just split myself and take care of everyone, but I accept that what I’m going to eventually start doing is enough.

You get this overwhelming feeling that you were MEANT to take care of children. That’s the feeling you have with your core in general. I can’t even be around kids for very long right now because I start getting filled with all of this intense emotion and I’m not an emotional person so I get shell shocked. You feel as if you’re in a completely different world and the feeling doesn’t go away. It fills you up and you prioritize it over everything.

Christy knows that I’d choose babies over her and Kurt and I know that they’d choose each other over my friendship with them. You can love people unconditionally but your core is what defines you.

Do children define YOU?

image

- Kami

1 day ago with 3 notes
Anonymous said: (1/2) Kami, what does it feel like when you're around children? I'm trying to find my core and I'm wondering if children are it. When I see kids it is like... this overwhelming love/adoration and I'm instantly in a better mood. It's so weird... it's like my mind kind of zeroes in on them and nothing else in the room matters. Normally, I can focus my attention on important things (like in class), but if a baby is around, forget it.

This is EXACTLY what it’s like. But if it’s truly core related, you would ultimately choose children over everything. Like if you were in a really disadvantaged country with poor resources but you were looking after people’s kids - you’d be in heaven. Everything would come second to that feeling, even if you were living in poverty. If you just like kids, you aren’t going to want to go that far. Same as for the people that think that their cores are relationships but would think that it’s too ‘intense’ and ‘impractical’ if they had to live in poverty or die for the person they think they have a core relationship with. But with these two over here do that? Damn right and it’s already happening and I feel the same way about children.

I want to hurt someone who decided to abuse children while working at a Montessori school that Christy and I signed a petition for. Including this story she found where some foster parents decided to murder their own children in order to instill ‘discipline’ in them within a religious context.  When someone is fucking with your core, you go past that line that makes things very morally gray. They are truly, literally your EVERYTHING.

Like, you can still feel really great around kids and love them enough to be in service to them as a child care provider so that feeling may be reflective of that as well. But at some point you’ll be able to determine if it’s actually your core. When something is your core, every single little thing you do and your foundation of who you are as a person represents your relationship with your core.

I’m very dependable and responsible - BUT opposed to having my core be something like business, I would never choose my own personal safety over a child’s safety :

Man drowns saving a child from drowning (x)
Woman prevents elementary school shooting by talking to gunman (x)

- Kami

talkingtodeadguys:

SIGNS YOU ARE A LEECH  + OLD KAMI ANALYSIS

Leech behavior is wanting to control those around you under the guise that you just want their attention or support. You think that you just love, admire, or are innocently friendly with a person when you actually want to suck them dry. Innuendo? Not such a cute innuendo when it leads someone to sexually assault, stalk, or push someone to suicide because you don’t understand that ‘no’ means “NO.”

You treat people like things because -
You don’t like it if people aren’t attracted to you (you never get over it)
You base your existence on being approved of by other people
You victimize yourself to make people like you
You want to be the center of attention in all of your relationships
You prioritize relationships that inflate your ego
You latch yourself onto ‘special’ people to make yourself feel important
You project personalities onto people you want and like
You equate your self victimization to being sensitive
You think your world will end unless everyone likes you
You think you are the loneliest person in the world because of this
You like to think that everyone’s conspiring against you
You think that people hate you for no reason
You emotionally manipulate someone to prevent them from leaving you
Your ego is attached to relationships with other people
You have a strong need to be validated or else you become ‘depressed’
- Therefore, you treat people like things


I found some old files on my computer (oddly from this same week 4 years ago) that describes leech behavior perfectly. In these copy and paste bits you can also tell where my self victimization made me think that I was the victim when I was the abuser - (This was a conversation I apparently put on Facebook as a note I think) - Name was changed, obviously -
___________________________________________

September 13, 2010 
So I’m basically making this facebook message because I’ve finally decided (yes, finally) – to stop chasing Alex. A good friend of mine added him on MSN the other night and once he saw me crying over the fact that Alex blatantly ignored a few direct advances of mine, he IM’d him and told Alex everything. Everything from me still having feelings for him, to me crying right then right there and how much trouble I was experiencing because of it.
Lol my friend sent me the conversation he had with him but I don’t feel like opening it because I already have a good idea about what it says. He was basically just like…
“look…I’ve already told her….”
 ⁃    and you can assume what the rest of the contents contained. But yea, after I cried myself to sleep, I woke up to my friend telling me..”You really need to get over him. You can’t have him. His feelings haven’t changed, i’m so sorry.” And after getting depressed for about 20 ish minutes, this sort of … calm filled me out of nowhere. It was like my higher self was trying to get through to me and started telling me that it was time to let this go because there was no way in hell that some boy on the other side of the country would be the ‘end’ of me.

___________________________________________


This is what we’re talking about. A person that is a leech does not actually want to understand that what they’re doing is wrong. They trap themselves in an idea where all they have to do is overstep someone’s boundaries in order to “have” them. They think that the person is playing ‘hard to get’ or that they’ll approve of them once that boundary is crossed. Could be someone they know, could be a celebrity (or a dead one, hell), a friend, etc. The leech just knows that the person is an object that they have to ‘have’ somehow and victimize themselves in order to justify their cruelty.

Because treating someone like an object isn’t a sign of admiration. You’re not just a friend, a lover, a spouse or a fan. You’re a parasite. The problem is that the self victimization will leave people thinking that the world is cruel and unfair to this person and they just need to be taught how to be independent. In actuality, they’re very self reliant because they want to decorate that person in their image. They project an image of themselves onto people they like so they can be validated by themselves indirectly. It’s basically the ultimate form of masturbation. What’s more is that if they think that the person is LETTING them do whatever they want to them, they’re validated by it even more.

In my last years in high school and in my first years of college, I wrote a series of essays about Alex. I wrote about how I thought I had to ‘overcome’ him as if he had done something to me by telling me no. This is a snippet from an essay called ‘Fatherhood’ - (because I victimized myself to the point where I thought that I had daddy issues that didn’t actually exist)

This is what happens when you KNOW you’ve done something wrong but then you rationalize your behavior with something else to take away the heat from the fact that you fucked up -

FATHERHOOD (July 2011) / English 10

In retrospect, meeting Alex was another turning point that helped me understand why I was so reckless and submissive to men I hardly knew. Our friendship demonstrated all of the symptoms that any psychologist could diagnose as dysfunctional. He was passive in nature and that passivity made me chase after him. Even though my mother always told me that boys should be the ones pursuing, I was too blinded by my own attraction. When I was seventeen, I thought that men had all of the problems and I simply fell victim to them. I talked to Alex on a daily basis and I was completely unaware of the fact that my aggressiveness and dependency on him would ultimately drive him away. Whenever he’d fall under the radar and would suddenly stop talking to me, I assumed it was because he was a coward. I was so desperate for attention that he became one of the many I seduced online and bribed with my sexuality to interact with me.

    I was deluded and I had an overactive imagination. For years, mistook my infatuation with Alex with falling in love for the first time. He realized that he made a mistake by telling me that he was attracted to me. Even though he told me on a few occasions that he had misinterpreted that attraction and found little ways to tell me that I needed psychological help, I didn’t let go of him. My mind distorted his personality and made him into a white knight that had come to save me from my insecurities. He was the first guy that I felt as though I could be myself around and I treated him like an object. If he demonstrated having a will of his own, I pretended that he was shy and was too afraid to talk to me. It took me almost three years to realize that I was the one that was sick.


The victimization in people that do this sort of thing makes you think that you can get away with just going a fifth of the way down into understanding how much you’ve fucked up. I KNEW that I did something wrong but I wanted to cover it up and blame it on ‘insecurities’ when in reality you’re not an insecure person if you’re confident enough to take advantage of someone and hunt them down. Leeches have a consciousness about what the fuck they’re doing but they don’t want to admit it. So this weird neuroticism develops where they mistake their victimization for fake insecurity.

And they take themselves ridiculously seriously. Look at the writing style, look at how overly dramatic it is. This sort of drama is what makes people like this so hard to spot casually.

You think it’s just a sensitive person whining about how lonely or troubled they feel when it’s actually the sign of abuse in progress.

- Kami

3 days ago with 4 notes

SIGNS YOU ARE A LEECH  + OLD KAMI ANALYSIS

Leech behavior is wanting to control those around you under the guise that you just want their attention or support. You think that you just love, admire, or are innocently friendly with a person when you actually want to suck them dry. Innuendo? Not such a cute innuendo when it leads someone to sexually assault, stalk, or push someone to suicide because you don’t understand that ‘no’ means “NO.”

You treat people like things because -
You don’t like it if people aren’t attracted to you (you never get over it)
You base your existence on being approved of by other people
You victimize yourself to make people like you
You want to be the center of attention in all of your relationships
You prioritize relationships that inflate your ego
You latch yourself onto ‘special’ people to make yourself feel important
You project personalities onto people you want and like
You equate your self victimization to being sensitive
You think your world will end unless everyone likes you
You think you are the loneliest person in the world because of this
You like to think that everyone’s conspiring against you
You think that people hate you for no reason
You emotionally manipulate someone to prevent them from leaving you
Your ego is attached to relationships with other people
You have a strong need to be validated or else you become ‘depressed’
- Therefore, you treat people like things


I found some old files on my computer (oddly from this same week 4 years ago) that describes leech behavior perfectly. In these copy and paste bits you can also tell where my self victimization made me think that I was the victim when I was the abuser - (This was a conversation I apparently put on Facebook as a note I think) - Name was changed, obviously -
___________________________________________

September 13, 2010 
So I’m basically making this facebook message because I’ve finally decided (yes, finally) – to stop chasing Alex. A good friend of mine added him on MSN the other night and once he saw me crying over the fact that Alex blatantly ignored a few direct advances of mine, he IM’d him and told Alex everything. Everything from me still having feelings for him, to me crying right then right there and how much trouble I was experiencing because of it.
Lol my friend sent me the conversation he had with him but I don’t feel like opening it because I already have a good idea about what it says. He was basically just like…
“look…I’ve already told her….”
 ⁃    and you can assume what the rest of the contents contained. But yea, after I cried myself to sleep, I woke up to my friend telling me..”You really need to get over him. You can’t have him. His feelings haven’t changed, i’m so sorry.” And after getting depressed for about 20 ish minutes, this sort of … calm filled me out of nowhere. It was like my higher self was trying to get through to me and started telling me that it was time to let this go because there was no way in hell that some boy on the other side of the country would be the ‘end’ of me.

___________________________________________


This is what we’re talking about. A person that is a leech does not actually want to understand that what they’re doing is wrong. They trap themselves in an idea where all they have to do is overstep someone’s boundaries in order to “have” them. They think that the person is playing ‘hard to get’ or that they’ll approve of them once that boundary is crossed. Could be someone they know, could be a celebrity (or a dead one, hell), a friend, etc. The leech just knows that the person is an object that they have to ‘have’ somehow and victimize themselves in order to justify their cruelty.

Because treating someone like an object isn’t a sign of admiration. You’re not just a friend, a lover, a spouse or a fan. You’re a parasite. The problem is that the self victimization will leave people thinking that the world is cruel and unfair to this person and they just need to be taught how to be independent. In actuality, they’re very self reliant because they want to decorate that person in their image. They project an image of themselves onto people they like so they can be validated by themselves indirectly. It’s basically the ultimate form of masturbation. What’s more is that if they think that the person is LETTING them do whatever they want to them, they’re validated by it even more.

In my last years in high school and in my first years of college, I wrote a series of essays about Alex. I wrote about how I thought I had to ‘overcome’ him as if he had done something to me by telling me no. This is a snippet from an essay called ‘Fatherhood’ - (because I victimized myself to the point where I thought that I had daddy issues that didn’t actually exist)

This is what happens when you KNOW you’ve done something wrong but then you rationalize your behavior with something else to take away the heat from the fact that you fucked up -

FATHERHOOD (July 2011) / English 10

In retrospect, meeting Alex was another turning point that helped me understand why I was so reckless and submissive to men I hardly knew. Our friendship demonstrated all of the symptoms that any psychologist could diagnose as dysfunctional. He was passive in nature and that passivity made me chase after him. Even though my mother always told me that boys should be the ones pursuing, I was too blinded by my own attraction. When I was seventeen, I thought that men had all of the problems and I simply fell victim to them. I talked to Alex on a daily basis and I was completely unaware of the fact that my aggressiveness and dependency on him would ultimately drive him away. Whenever he’d fall under the radar and would suddenly stop talking to me, I assumed it was because he was a coward. I was so desperate for attention that he became one of the many I seduced online and bribed with my sexuality to interact with me.

    I was deluded and I had an overactive imagination. For years, mistook my infatuation with Alex with falling in love for the first time. He realized that he made a mistake by telling me that he was attracted to me. Even though he told me on a few occasions that he had misinterpreted that attraction and found little ways to tell me that I needed psychological help, I didn’t let go of him. My mind distorted his personality and made him into a white knight that had come to save me from my insecurities. He was the first guy that I felt as though I could be myself around and I treated him like an object. If he demonstrated having a will of his own, I pretended that he was shy and was too afraid to talk to me. It took me almost three years to realize that I was the one that was sick.


The victimization in people that do this sort of thing makes you think that you can get away with just going a fifth of the way down into understanding how much you’ve fucked up. I KNEW that I did something wrong but I wanted to cover it up and blame it on ‘insecurities’ when in reality you’re not an insecure person if you’re confident enough to take advantage of someone and hunt them down. Leeches have a consciousness about what the fuck they’re doing but they don’t want to admit it. So this weird neuroticism develops where they mistake their victimization for fake insecurity.

And they take themselves ridiculously seriously. Look at the writing style, look at how overly dramatic it is. This sort of drama is what makes people like this so hard to spot casually.

You think it’s just a sensitive person whining about how lonely or troubled they feel when it’s actually the sign of abuse in progress.

- Kami

3 days ago with 4 notes
Anonymous said: Kami, Christy what do you guys think of near death experiences. Are they a message.

There are awesome Channeling Erik posts about this here! Gave you the entire tag, my dear. =)

-Christy

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